They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Jurassic park gets weird
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.