I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning