@HalfBakedHoney

I don’t need a panic room; I can panic perfectly fine anywhere.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

@alexlumaga

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

@junejuly12

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

@kumailn

“Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza.” – anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late

@GrimReaperInc

The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.

@TheGirlPie

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

@Cool_Jesse

When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.

@kelkulus

Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.

@DadandBuried

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.