God: i’m sorry the answers no.
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I don’t need a panic room; I can panic perfectly fine anywhere.
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Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Sometimes I feel like my life is a M. Night Shyamalan movie. Nothing about it makes sense and I’m at that point of my life where I could use a dramatic plot twist.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”