@HalfBakedHoney

I don’t need a panic room; I can panic perfectly fine anywhere.

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@NewDadNotes

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

@Dwarven_Cleric

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

@yonewt

If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman

@iwearaonesie

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

@ahippymermaid

Sometimes I feel like my life is a M. Night Shyamalan movie. Nothing about it makes sense and I’m at that point of my life where I could use a dramatic plot twist.

@HenpeckedHal

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

@MarfSalvador

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

@ProdigyNelson

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”