Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
You Might Also Like
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
And bowling should be called pinball
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!