moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.