@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

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@KeetPotato

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

@AbbieEvansXO

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

@Book_Krazy

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

@ArfMeasures

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

@TheBoydP

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

@

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@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@JustMeTurtle

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]