me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Alcohol is best served.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]