@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

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@envydatropic

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

@nishadtrivedi

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

@VeronicaJArt

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

@KeetPotato

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

@Divergentmama

Just when I thought my house couldnt smell any worse, my daughter has decided to have deviled eggs for lunch every day. Pray for us.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.