I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
that’s really how it is
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh