@NoToFeminism

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

You Might Also Like

@LuvPug

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

@ComedicBust

Whenever I kill an ant, I always assume a surviving ant tells the rest of the ants and they have a meeting on how to kill me in my sleep.

@seanmoriartyMV

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

@OctopusCaveman

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

@phaggots

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”

OMG THIS IS SO ME

@OBiiieeee

Hello, 911? *twirls phone cord around finger* sooooo how was your day? Did you arrest any bad guys?…No you hang up first! Hello? 911?

@neiltyson

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

@Terfleaza

Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”