I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
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My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
good work, detective
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please