I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
You Might Also Like
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
What?!?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach