@vladchoc

I don’t need people. I have potato chips. And unlike people you can enjoy them and then legally throw their crumpled remains into a campfire

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@McKnightyBoo

My 17yo pretends he doesn’t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry

Congrats, you’re finally a man

@AllanForsyth

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

@trevso_electric

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

@WheelTod

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

@Try2StopME

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

@Hormonella

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

@quintabrunson

Lindor chocolates are amazing and I’m not sure how everyone isn’t talking about them all the time.

P.S please don’t tell me anything bad about them right now, like if the owner is racist or something. let me finish this bag first.

@jonnysun

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

“No”

Cop: *points* Your buck naked

[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”