Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
(True)
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.