I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.