@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

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@roxiqt

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

@TheBoydP

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

@markedly

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

@Darlainky

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

@AnOrangeSNES

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

@hbreaker9999

My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.

I think this means he wants me to talk to him.

@scot7a

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*