Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
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I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[JanSport keynote address]
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Ten things only 90s people remember:
10. That sound the modems made
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.