I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

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Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..


I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.



“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”


“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”


[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*


Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made


I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit


Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.