@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

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@_b1p0larbear

Daughter 7 catches spiders, puts them in jars to make them fight, then releases the victor.
I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.

@mrjohndarby

In the middle of an important meeting I quietly pass my boss a post-it note. It just says ‘girl cats have wherskers’. He nods

@GingerAtLaw

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

@lisaxy424

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

@WheelTod

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…

@Unathi_

That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh

@momjeansplease

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.