As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?