Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Spider-cat: No One Home
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
men, we mow at sunrise.