I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.


I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.


The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.


We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?


if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”


Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease


[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy


Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]


The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind


Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym