@heidi420x

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

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@E_lok44

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

@JessicaVarsity

I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert…or need to set someone’s house on fire. Either way, I’m prepared.

@BoobsRadley

The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@bornmiserable

if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”

@CornOnTheGoblin

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

@ArfMeasures

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

@squirrel74wkgn

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

@MaraWilson

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

@osoplain

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym