Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered