[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Time for evil
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My dryer is celebrating lint.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I think I’m having a stroke
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.