[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors