amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
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I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: *audible toot*
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.