I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

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Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.


Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.


If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.


General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha


My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.


ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny


Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self


Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.


ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane


Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.