@Elizasoul80

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

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@CAshmanActor

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

@thegreatnanak

I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.

@SkinnerSteven

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

@AbrasiveGhost

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

@squirrel74wkgn

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

@OhNoSheTwitnt

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@tchrquotes

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.