I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.