@GloGurL

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

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Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance

@KalvinMacleod

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

@AddledPixie

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

@UncleDuke1969

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

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Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman

@suecorvette

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!