I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

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What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating


*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*


Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.


Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.


Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.


The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.


I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”


[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it


Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.