Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
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I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*leaves open can of tuna under my ex’s couch*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Every 5 seconds a woman gives birth to a baby. Stop this woman
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.