I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
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I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
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Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
This is a true ally.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!