I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
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[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter