wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
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Boss: tomorrow is pajama day at work.
Me: I don’t wear pajamas
B: just wear whatever you sleep in
M: ok, you asked for it.
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
use words like ‘perpendicular’ when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
me: *getting down on one knee*
my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening
me: *tightening my velcro strap* what