Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
You Might Also Like
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Waiting for the Charmin
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”