Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
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Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.
Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?
“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”
-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
BF: Come over. Let’s do sex.
Me: I’m tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It’s late.
Brendan Fraser: I won’t make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.
I know that now.