i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

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Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.


Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours


If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?


“Good thing I guessed that today was probably a BYOB situation.”

-me, chaperoning the kindergarten field trip


Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat


BF: Come over. Let’s do sex.
Me: I’m tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It’s late.
Brendan Fraser: I won’t make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way


There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.


Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.

I know that now.