[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
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I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling