Kid: Can I sleep in your room tonight, I’m scared of the monster.
Me: WHAT, and have the monster follow you into my room and kill us both?
I don’t play mario kart with my brother anymore.
Because we are both in our 20’s & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.
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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
“Progress has been slow”
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert