[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
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I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies