I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
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inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Scream sneezers need love too.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.