@jake_lach

I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people

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@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

@Juice2Wavy

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

@nagunnatelya

Husband: Have you lost weight?

Me: About 10 lbs

H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink

M: You don’t know him. He’s on Twitter…

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”Mikecanrant”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3779625598/ad268c029bb34c06cdfd3a299f8b7cf6_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347125599673937920″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”290″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Dating progression

Me at 16: She’s ugly.

Me at 21: She’s alright.

Me at 30: I’d hit that.

Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@JKNenagh

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[police sketch artist interrupts me again] ok now you’re definitely describing sonic the hedgehog

@ndiquote

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

@SentenceReduced

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”