Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I don’t punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people
You Might Also Like
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem
Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.
Husband: Have you lost weight?
Me: About 10 lbs
H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink
M: You don’t know him. He’s on Twitter…
Me at 16: She’s ugly.
Me at 21: She’s alright.
Me at 30: I’d hit that.
Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[police sketch artist interrupts me again] ok now you’re definitely describing sonic the hedgehog
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”