Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

4yo: Bam!

Me: Excuse me?!

7yo: He didn’t say dammit!

2yo: Dammit?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.