“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.