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Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?