@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

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@SaraMansford

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@illuminateddino

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

@baseballchickie

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

@squirrel74wkgn

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

@danteshepherd

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

@dznyella

me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment

@stacywawa1

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

@roxiqt

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.