I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Welcome
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?