I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
and this one
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*