I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away