Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.