@splendidcynic

I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?

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@PickleRudd

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

@BigJDubz

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

@geekysteven

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

@HairyJew4Life

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

@HavocMantis

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

@duplicitron

Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.

@Steelers1972

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

@junejuly12

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

@16bitbulbasaur

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

@lisaxy424

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.