I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
📽️movie date🎞️
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My inexpensive home security system…