I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.