Interviewer: It says here that your weakness is that you don’t pay attention. Is that true?
Me: Sorry, did you say something?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If someone writes you a long email that ends with “Thoughts?” just reply “Nope.”
There’s been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.