@CulturedRuffian

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

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@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

@prawn_meat

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

@fro_vo

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

@offbeatoliv

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

@_Tempo11

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

@WineMummy

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

@caliluvgirl77

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.