Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Always…
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.