I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
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The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack