@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

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@TomSchally

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

@keeiks

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: does your beard keep you warm?

Me: does your mustache keep you warm?

Coworker….

Me: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHY ARE YOU CRYING, BRENDA

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@FunnyTunes

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

@Authoralexp

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

@BatBatshitcrazy

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

@4shish

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

@KimmyMonte

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

@Contwixt

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.