If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
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Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Beware of the “party goblin”…
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?