Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
“I don’t see color.”
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Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Rips off my shirt to reveal an S on my chest that’s actually remnants of last nights spaghettiO’s
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
For them dirty farmers.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories