@AmishPornStar1

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

@Book_Krazy

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

@TedInModeration

Rips off my shirt to reveal an S on my chest that’s actually remnants of last nights spaghettiO’s

@TweetPotato314

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

@knot_eye

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

@Thrill_Tweeter

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

@LackOfShame

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

@dougbies

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories