“I don’t see color.”


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Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.


Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!


Rips off my shirt to reveal an S on my chest that’s actually remnants of last nights spaghettiO’s


Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.


Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.


Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?


Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.


Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories