“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
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Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
lol
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies