If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I don’t see enough dead people.
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[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn’t like you.
me: I think I could do that
her: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa