I don’t see enough dead people.

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If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”


[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house


[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]


My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.


HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging


Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.


FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.


[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal


[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa