Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.