“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
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Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The human personality is made of five key elements
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.