I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Lmao the reply
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.