@Marlebean

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

You Might Also Like

@JimmerThatisAll

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

@Smartticisms

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

@AlexRogaski

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

@funflaps

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

@JPHaddadio

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

@jazmasta

*i get on a rollercoaster with my washing machine*
“Hold tight son…WAIT! If u are here then..”
*son is at home w/ a mouth full of laundry*

@UnFitz

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

@KizerBillhelm

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

@iwearaonesie

8: ow
ow
ow
ow
ow
me: what are you doing?
8: looking for my toy
me: why don’t you turn your light on?
8: i can see in the dark
me: carry on

@thetigersez

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder