I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine