i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I came this close!!!!
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?