I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME