I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!