I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

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ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]


[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it


My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.


My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.


Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.


hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her


I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.


FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.


Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me


A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.