I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
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I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
me when I see my crush
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.