@joeljeffrey: I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
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@JillianKarger: boy: WOLF! villager: nope, that's a coyote boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me villager: *already walking away* sorry I don't hear liars
@panmidwest: MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you'll go deaf! ME: that is sound advice
@LizHackett: "What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?" -- inventor of Autocorrect
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much. Me: Aw. 5: *spreads arms even wider* But I'd love you this much if we had a pool.