I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic